Reality TV relationships often include fairy-tale dates, speedy declarations of love and fantasy futures spun for watchers and social media followers to cringe and obsess about almost endlessly.
To that point, recently on“Love Island’s USA Reunion,”Kaylor Martin called out Aaron Evans for “love bombing” her and lamented that she wasted her entire summer on their relationship.
Although most onlookers expect reality-show relationships to be fleeting, there are revealing lessons in theserush-to-love relationshipsthat can include unhealthy behaviors.
Love bombing consists of manipulation tactics that are often first seen early in a relationship, said a relationship expert.
“Manipulators use tactics by overly sharing their desire to be with you, showering you with affection and prioritizing you — all before they truly get to know you,” said Leanna Stockard, a licensedmarriage and familytherapist with LifeStance Health in Boston.
Such actions are used to create a façade of love and affection for a new partner, which in turn gets the new partner to let their guard down and begin to trust the manipulator — all to take it away later in the relationship, Stockard said.
“The tactic of love bombing makes the one being manipulated believe that they’ve done something wrong for that love and affection to be taken away, and to feel that they need to do anything to get it back,” she also said.
Here are five key insights to know.
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1. What are some red flags of ‘love bombing’?
Endless compliments, tons of affection and wanting to be together morning, noon and night very early in a relationship are the red flags of a potential culprit.
“The love bomber makes a new partner feel incredibly special, provides an abundance of gifts, does special things ‘just for you,’ and provides a lot of words of affirmation,” said Stockard.
“The person could also say that ‘they’ve never felt this way before,'” she noted. “Love bombing goes above and beyond what someone expects when just starting to get to know another person.”
If you feel like your partner is doing “too much too soon,” it’s important to pay attention to that feeling because it could indicate love bombing, said Stockard.
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2. What if someone feels special, not ‘love bombed’?
Love bombing can absolutely feel very flattering at the beginning, Stockard said.
In love bombing, a person is being tricked into believing the other person feels so strongly about them because of this special treatment, she also said.
Yet once the love bomber believesthey’ve “got you”and that you’re committed to them, the affection and prioritization shown at the beginning fades away, said Stockard.
“This leaves the love-bombed person to wonder what they may have done wrong,” she added.
“In reality, the love bomber will continue this manipulation tactic, giving brief signs of approval as a way to garner more attention and control from a love-bombed partner.”
3. Are early, intense talks about a future together a sign of love bombing?
Having deep discussions about the future early on can absolutely be part of love bombing, said the relationship expert.
“Discussions about the future help build the false sense of security that the love bomber wants to create,” said Stockard. “The person wants you to believe in a future together.”
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4. How should a person react to a love bomber?
The best way to navigate love bombing is to recognize that it’s happening.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable with the amount of attention you’re receiving after only a short amount of time of dating, orif a friend communicates to youthat the person you’re dating is moving “too fast,” you may be at the beginning stages of love bombing, Stockard said.
If you notice this happening, set boundaries and try to recognize what’s occurring.
“Additionally, if you’re noticing in the relationship that your partner has drastically shifted the amount of affection and attention they provide to you, you can begin to recognize that you have been love bombed, and you can use this knowledge to bring it up to your partner,” said Stockard.
So, just because the love bombing feels good at the beginning, “it will not last, and it is definitely something to be aware of,” she said.
5. How does love bombing differ from a loving relationship?
Love bombing is vastly different from the behaviors within a loving relationship.
A person in a loving relationship will not try to control a partner or take away attention and affection to get what they want, Stockard noted.
“In a loving relationship, there will behealthy communication skills, and your partner will encourage you to grow with them and not just to fall in line with what they want,” said Stockard.
“In a loving relationship, both partners feel secure in the relationship, they love each other — and they feel comfortable having a life outside their partnership,” she said.
